Puff Puff Lady and Premonition Station

I will stare you down kid! Feel my wrath, look deep into my hollow eyes and behold your future! One second and our eyes meet. Puff, Puff, and the smoke engulfs me. In the old ladies eyes I see a grey future sprinkled with colourful memories, a lonesome persons life. The life of probably thousands or even more people here in Stockholm, Sweden. On this Friday with its youthful rampages and spring atmosphere I take notice of this old lady. She looks ragged, grey and ghostly. In this popular food court, she looks so singular, so lonely, so boring. But her voice soon breaks out in fits of bad temper. ''Why can’t I smoke here! Where should I go then!''
Having eaten and drunk some coffee I continue to the subway station. I spot her again. This time she approaches the bench where I’m sitting with other people. She reaches for something in her handbag and performs the 'I need my medicine now!' body gesture. I instinctively stand up and walk away while trying to not attract attention. She’s about to lit a cigarette when a middle aged man stops in front of her and with a 'my voice is the voice of God ' demeanour informs the lady that she cant smoke here. He receives a pat on the shoulder from an old Asian guy and a thumbs up. The old lady looks bitter. She waits until the civil hero has left and lits her cigarette anyway. My train arrives and I’m about to step inside when I see her looking at me. She walks closer towards the same doors I’m approaching. I step inside and walk almost the whole length of the wagon to avoid her. Finally reaching my station and exiting the train I find that its completely empty besides me and some lonesome drunkards.

A New Chapter Hopefully

Finding oneself isn't easy. There have been many paths I've been able to take and most of the time I've been confused both in body and in spirit. What should I make of something, where should I go, what should I do. Certain decisions have been of a negative overtone, I havent trusted in anything or anyone to respond positively and instead I've blurted something out with spite and vengeance. One thing I tried to believe in was my recent relationship with a special person.

I havent blogged about this relationship. I didnt mention the persons name even though she meant alot to me. I only wrote some lines in spanish that summed up how life continues and why some people just cant get along.

What exactly does that mean?

I find it interesting how much one works to fit in, to not hurt others, to not embaress others. It's understandable and good of course but what about other aspects of life where decision making is affected by a preconditioned lifestyle - to consider everyone else, to not act true to oneself.

Listening to my dad over the phone who tells me to find myself, find God, go to church. Being brought up an active catholic doesnt mean I'm practicing now when I'm 30 but there still is something in rediscovering oneself, God or whatever.

I'm moving to a new place soon. A completly new place, an apartment where no one else has lived. Where I can take it easy, call my own place and ponder what options I have without feeling trapped in a place where negative decisions where made. I hope to find myself again. In my own church. Start a new chapter.

Ahh Taka-Taka-Taka-Ta-Ta-Ta

Thats part of a song I'm trying to mimic with my absurd onomatopoeia, you know the taka taka thing.

Just listen to the song 'Gran Final Absurdo'. It's Fofe, the singer of Circo who does some extremely original stuff . Please listen through the whole song, its very impressive.

Strangers

Yesterday I finished reading Taichi Yamada's Strangers (Ijintachi to no Natsu).

Clear and straightforward writers have always been effective in scaring the bejesus out of me so I expected at least one sleeples night gripping my pillow hard.

Instead I found how increasingly cozy each reading was becoming, how I longed to tuck myself into bed and experience how the portrayal of human psychology warmed me with feelings of empathy and human understanding. Good writers captivate and Yamada is very good in doing so.

The novel itself was not that frightening but knowing how good a writer Yamada is I'm sure there will be 'The One' novel or text of his that will chill me to the bones. I'm certainly looking forward to that moment and I'm already looking for more of his writings.